According to who?

I was taking the kids to school this morning.  We were talking about our upcoming day with Sirius XM 20 in the background.  Orianthi's "According to You" came on, which resulted in both kids pleading, "Can we turn it up!?"  I guess they don't enjoy talking about their day as much as I do hearing about it.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of hearing this gem, it's starts with:

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

And goes on with:

But according to him

I'm beautiful,

incredible,

he can't get me out of his head.

A standard teenage tale of woe ... the guy I'm with doesn't like me and the guy I like I'm not with.  I asked the kids (when the song was over) if they could describe to me what they thought the song was about.  My daughter (6) says, "All I know is that Oprah sings it."  My son (9) must have picked up on an upcoming life lesson and kept his response short with, "It's about a girl who's stupid, useless and can't to anything right."  Eureka!

To which I replied, "According to who?"  Their responses were some guy, her boyfriend, etc.  OK, good enough.  So I asked, "What should she do?  What would you do if you were her?"  I'd secretly hoped for a different response, but what I heard didn't shock me ... she should be with the person who thinks she's beautiful.

Ah, yes ... but, what if someday rolls around and that person now thinks she's useless, stupid and can't do anything right?  What now?  She's right back where she started.  Crickets.  Blank stares.  One request to turn the radio back on.

I asked my daughter, "Do you think you're beautiful?"  She bashfully (as bashfully as someone with her confidence can) said yes.  I asked my son, "Do you think you're stupid?"  He looked at me and with his voice he just said no, but with the rest of his facial expression he was closer to, "Dad, I'm in the f'in accelerated program.  What do you think?"

Perfect!  So why does she care if he thinks she's stupid, useless and can't do anything right?  Again, crickets.  Blank stares.  Why attach your self worth to some boy or some girl who can wake up one day and change their mind?  Why not allow what you think about yourself to be more important than what anyone else thinks of you ... your friends, the school "system", even your mom or your dad?

Hmmm ... this had to have been puzzling for them.  So let's get this straight Dad, when you're hollering at me because I spilled a bag of chips and I don't clean them up in less than 30 seconds, it means I'm really only clumsy or screwing around if I THINK I'm clumsy or screwing around?  It really doesn't matter what you think?  Well it matters a little I guess, but we didn't actually get that far.  Maybe they'll give it some thought today at school and we'll see where it goes at dinner.  Unless of course someone spills something, then it's all over but the shoutin'. ;)

It's a difficult but important concept to discuss with kids who put so much emphasis on pleasing others, doing what they're told, trying to make mom, dad, teacher, coach, friend, etc. happy.  They're judged at school by their grades, at home by their parents, and at practice by their coaches.  It's amazing any of them learn to think and feel and live for themselves.

Maybe it's just the transitional age of my kids from the necessary boundaries and rule setting of young childhood to the more rebellious teenage years.  Perhaps we're going through the more vague and often confusing pre-teen years.

What's your experience been in building self-esteem and self-worth in youngsters?

How do you balance it with boundaries, rules, chores, etc.?

Anywhere, here she is in the flesh ... well, in video anyway.  Enjoy!